Free to scratch

When I was a kid, I was allergic to almost anything. Milk, wheat, animal hair, soap and I have the most sensitive skin on earth. I was not allowed to have any animals (mainly cats) because my skin would act up. I would get bad eczema all over my body, specifically around my neck, eye, and stomach area. I was so light skinned (yellow-boned) and the allergies would leave bright purple (bruise-like) marks on my body.
People frequently worried that I was abused as a child, but I was just allergic. I remember when I was about 5 years old, my sister got a bunny rabbit and I was so jealous because I wanted a pet too.
One day I was playing in the courtyard, running around doing handstands. It was about 4 pm and while I was being mischievous, I saw a little black and white thing in the corner of my eye. When I peered around the corner, I saw the cutest little dog. She was lost and she was watching me being an idiot. I ran to her and rubbed her head and she loved it. I ran inside, got some food and water, and brought it to her. She ate, I rubbed her some more and then she ran away. The next day, like clockwork, she was back and the rest of the days thereafter, until my mother noticed me running to the gate with food and all excited.
It was too late to chase her away because I lured her with food and love and I could keep her. I named her Doempie (Doom-py) and she was my responsibility. I bathed her, fed her, and played with her. She was my best friend and when she eventually fell pregnant, she gave birth to 5 puppies. I was ecstatic. I had so much love for her and for her babies but at the end, we could not keep them and made sure they got loving homes. Doempie was my best friend and I had her for 13 years. In 2009, she was poisoned. I will never forget the day I found her little body; I came home from school during exams and as I walked in my study room, I saw her, laying in a pool of her own vomit. I dropped my schoolbag, fell on my knees, and cried.
My silly, little old baby was dead.
While I had Doempie, I adopted 2 cats and had countless bunny rabbits and a guinea pig. I was still allergic but I knew what I wanted and no allergy would stand in my way. My first cat, Nala was killed by the neighbour’s Rottweiler and my second cat Ariel was hit by a Porsche. I cried for two hours, I was inconsolable (for Ariel, Nala was an asshole). I had one bunny and my sister, Skye also had a bunny. We had no idea how active a bunny’s sex life was because, in a few months, we had a whole family of bunnies. Some ran away, one drowned and some were given away. In the end, I had so many pets, it was amazing.
I am proud of myself because I was hungry for something I knew I couldn’t have, yet I went for it. I was itchy, full of eczema and allergy bruises but I was happy. Seeing my animals gave me such joy. Being able to pick them up, kiss and hug them was the most important thing to me. Showing love to them was the most important gift I could give.
I knew that my mom would not buy me any pets but I knew I wanted them, so specialty was picking up strays, or just feeding random animals, hoping they would come back (and it worked). During my life of growing up, I lost that hunger. I conformed to life and turned into a sheep, and I guess that is what happens in life and in general.
We were all kids and we were all stubborn with what we wanted, in means of crying and throwing tantrums and we have lost that. Yes, adults throwing tantrums would seem funny but we have lost the urge to fight and stand up for what we want.
I became a people pleaser. I absolutely hate disappointing people and would just say yes to anything and if I said no, I would feel so bad. I would apologise for anything, even though I would not be at fault and a few days ago, I realised this and I realised how tired I am of it.
It is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining carrying such a big responsibility of not letting people down. I realised that I am a human too, like others, so if I say no or put my foot down for a change, then I should be able to, without any judgements.
Yesterday, I just felt a sense of calm over me because I know that I am changing and I am so happy. I want to cry and it is so weird but I can now understand how this constant need of not disappointing people, left me disappointed and so hurt. The hungry, risk taking, rule breaking Megan was put away and now she is back.
And I feel so free.
So, my message is:
1) Don’t conform to what people want you to do or be.
2) Be hungry, be curious
3) It is 100% okay to say No!
4) Don’t disappoint yourself.
5) Adopt some damn pets, man!

Featured image: colors come true dreams girl – Favim.com
Advertisements

One thought on “Free to scratch

  1. Love this Meg!!! For a number of reasons:
    1. Love that you adore animals, the best kind of people do!
    2. Your tenacity shines through this blog post! Glad you have finally come to grips with the amazing person we all see and have grown to love.
    3. (To get a little less serious) the whole “feed them and they’ll stay should totes work on boys!” 😉

    Proud of you my African princess!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s